One can find quirky little threads around the web about how much the world has changed since the 1950's. It gave me pause for another one of my rambling thoughts on what my families life taught me, and amazingly enough...they too have learned for the better. Hopefully this will have a ripple out effect for others benefit as well. (Also note that the way things were done 'back then' were not intended to be something negative but more a way of doing things as they had always been done.)
1.) Homework. When I came home from school I was suppose to sit on my bed and take care of my homework. Mom was generally cooking or cleaning...dad was at work. When he'd come home the world would revolve around him and if anyone spoke up otherwise there was hell to pay. Now as an adult people understand why my grades sucked. I've a learning disability or two.
(I am in no way saying people with dyslexia or other learning needs are dumb, stupid. On the contrary...I've read otherwise. ;) Now when the children come home it is a short break, then to the kitchen table where homework is a group effort. If one child is in a higher grade a little bit may rub off on the younger one. Where there is the younger the older child learns the patience and pride of helping them. The adults find out that the world is changing daily and it keeps the senior citizens mentally viable in the family unit. Everybody benifits, no one looses.
2.) Cooking. I was given one or two lessons...none that I can remember, and at around age 12 or younger was cooking for the family. Of course most of the time it stunk. (Makes one wonder what the heck the mother was doing all this time, eh? Hanging laundry out, starching it with the stuff in a bowl- not a can, and ironing. Dusting daily, mowing, weeding by hand- NOT weed-whacker tools...trimming bushes, waxing floors by hand AFTER mopping... we forget all of the wonderful conveniences we've acquired over 10 decades of time. ;) Now I am teaching children starting at age 6 albeit simple things...while also learning an appreciation and gaining skills. The ones more active with me are thin, and recently asked to taste the cauliflower from the steamer. My rule in the kitchen has been, 'if you help me cook it you have to taste a spoon of it'. A lot of attitudes and whining have gone the wayside. I'm not saying that they ask for a bowl of yellow-neck squash... but they at least try it. My youngest ~charge~ eats fried yellow neck squash, salads, green beans, raw brocoli, raw carrot sticks, celery sticks, and every fruit on this planet OVER the option of candy.
3.) Anger. Oh is this one fun. It is my work in progress. I believe all emotions are a natural occurance for everyone. How we deal with them is a whole other issue. My parents raised me thinking that anger = respect. Actually it = fear which grows into resentment which holds a whole lot more anger and hurt underneath. Some of us grow up eating it daily and learning that is all one can do. Am I blaming anger for obesity? A little bit. Actually a lot. I'd always dreamed as a child that growing up was suppose to be fun. We were suppose to be able to play. After all... we were children.
As an adult I get angry. I hate it. If I could find the little gland inside the human body responsible for it I'd rip it out myself. BUT anger is a good tool I am told. The only good thing it has done for me personally is help get household chores done very well. Other than that it's like putting blinders on until the steam clears. I don't think children should have to deal with an adults anger...yet I do believe the adult should help the child learn the healthy way to work through the emotion. I do not, nor have I ever doled out punishment to a child during my anger. I have let the child know I am mad (in a Bill Cosby sort of way)...and punishment will follow. I have spanked. The ONLY times I have spanked are when the child has endangered their own or someone elses safety/life. The rest of the time it has been restriction from things enjoyed or reward with the things that the children enjoy. I don't believe in paying a child beyond an allowance while at the same time believe an allowence should be earned. No one gave me the money I've worked for and I have to budget for our survival & fun. We can play, but we have to learn life has it's serious moments and deal with it. Anger tends to have a great deal of (chewing) eating crow within a 50/50 ratio on who does the dining. Another factor in anger is that when 2 argue, there are at least 3 sides to the story behind it. Each person's point of view and the truth separate from them. We have to be reminded that in all disagreements when we feel anger-- we are only seeing our own point of reference to 'it'. That is until we get over it and open our blinders. The wider the better. Children need to learn the art of compromise...which can become funny/annoying afterwards. That's what it's all about though. Exploring, learning and growing
4.) Compassion* If I am sick...if you are sick... I will try to help you feel better without actually 'catching it' myself. IMPO the most successful person is the most compassionate. How else can you understand another soul? Children have to be taught compassion. It is not a natural feeling for them. The biggest issue that children deal with even on a subconscious level is security. Many of the reason's they act out is not for attention as much as they hollar or yell for it. They need the security that you are always there. This world is filled with couples divorcing or 1/2 of the relationship having never been in the child's picture to begin with. They will gravitate most towards those people that have compassion for them... although it is not what they always need. Sometimes strength comes in the form of lack of compassion. One has to know the subtle differences between the two. It runs along the line of homework. How can you be close to your own child if you don't know them? If you are the type that talks more than listens then know for certain that your child and everyone else knows you real well. But do you know them? On their ground? I come from a time when children were to be seen and not heard. My oldest brother and I were remarked on every time our family visited someone. We always said Yes sir, no sir...yes mam, no mam AND we sat with our hands folded in our laps.
Beware of raising puppets. You never know what nightmares they may get into...and then how can you reverse it when you don't know who you're dealing with?
PLAY with your children. Don't have time? Ever hear the song 'Cats in the Craddle'? (By Cat Stephens.) A very honest song that I highly recommend. Teach compassion.
This is an awful lot, so I suppose I will close with a neat little set of lessons put in a short verse that I'd stumbled on when my own daughter was a child.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte
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