Being alone...

One of the hardest things for my family members to understand about me is my tendancy to gravitate to this corner of the world and sit alone. I do so for hours on end at a time. Other times with my disability I am not able to and need to lay down for brief periods.

My attraction towards the computer fills the missing gap of multi tasking which I had done for so many years before now. I could maintain 4 phone lines, 20+ patient call lights, sometimes 40+, answer questions from visitors, patients, doctors and or nurses face to face and transcribe the physician's orders all at the same time. I will admit that it took me a few years to polish it into a professional skill without raging brain syndrome. In those years I received the usual Employee of the Month awards as well as the being the first non-nurse to receive the prized yearly award for Employee Excellence at my particular location. I worked my full figure out in a gym, took almost daily walks lasting well over an hour each and ate a healthy diet. Then one day...I passed the 40 year mark.

I use to believe it was just women that ticked off the calendar of years their lives traversed, but have become aware it is a cross gender reality. Birds at a distance in the sky looked like two artists where one was actually soaring. I had to ask occasionally for people to repeat what they were saying. Little things at home slipped my mind. But...I'm only 40. 41,...42... and people praised me for looking as good as I did for 'my age'. 43...44... and at 45 I went into a birthday panic keeping up with those 10 to 15 years my junior at a nightclub celebration. We can lie to ourselves all we want, but the body won't buy it.

The dentist shook his head and rescheduled return appointments to 'fix' more things as I brushed and flossed in an OCD manner with no results. Hindsight tells me the baking soda and or hydrogen peroxide added their tally to the mark while fattening the dental hygenist's pocket.

The physical now demanded by my job/health provider had surprising results in the blood work. One pill... two pills...another one and more? 10 years later I take over 10 prescriptions each day. That's one for each year!

One thing lead to another and here I sit. There's much more to the story of course, but one has to bring the reader up rather than destroy the point.

I find myself making friends while keeping in touch with a couple from my work days. At first I thought that it would be a nightmare moving back home with my parents. For myself and them. Instead we have all preserveered and mended many a broken fence. They do not take care of me entirely nor I them all of the time. My mother and I share the cooking, making meals more enjoyable for all. With part of my SSI I have provided dish-TV for my parents which has been a God-send for my father. His health plummeted just before I returned home. I searched online with each complaint he has had and purchased those things that have helped him.

We live in a rural area where cattle and farm mix with suburbia. Our postal box is about a block or more from the home along with the news box. I try to fetch it for them in the wee hours of the morning and put the coffee on. If the house gets cold in the night I bump up the heat. (It is not on in my room. I am quite the adaptable person.)

This Thanksgiving (we are not traditional, but we are family*)... I am preparing the dinner for all 4 families which make up our 1 with the help of the family children. Friends have also been invited. I found a Butterball turkey that weighed in over 20lbs, a spiral cut honey baked ham and loads of other things for the meal. It is a special one as the patriarch (my father) is continually getting more feeble. We don't know how long he will be with us. My daughter is pregnant with the 1st great-grandson, her second child. The 1st grandson goes to Iraq in January (son of my oldest brother- who is also moving away.) AND the second grand-daughter is moving away with her military husband...newly married, no children as of yet.

It will be a busy time with all of the changes. Then the world will seem to stop for a breather. After which we will have spring and I will have a new grandson to care for along with my sweet 7 year old grand-daughter.

Do I like being alone with the computer?

You bet!